Hey gang. We just received a memo from our parent company, pinballmaplyistr, that Pinballmap.com is gonna have to “crank it up” (not a direct quote) if we want to stay fresh in this high calibered pinball mapping industry. Sales are low, the memo warned. They are in fact zero, the memo stated. Because we don’t have anything for sale, probably. But that’s okay, the memo hugged, because tech companies don’t need a business plan or revenue in order to be “on fire.” All we need to do is start filling up the 4,000 square foot loft that we use as office space with some of the nation’s badassedest tech talent.
We decided to take this memo-to-memo. We wrote back: “But what about the part about us not having any money?”
Shortly after we dispatched our response memo, Pinballmaplyistr’s CFO gushed to us over the office intercom that, upon scratching off that “Smokin’ Hot Cash” lottery ticket and winning $25, they consider their seventh round of funding completed. Now they’re ready to put that money to good use by hiring some of the best talent that crazy job perks, subpar wages, and very limited stock options can buy.
So, if you’re reading this (and you probably are), here are some of the perks of working at one of Sun Valley’s (which is known as the “Silicon Valley of San Fernando Valley”) hottest startups. Let us know if you want in at the ground floor, because the building has one of those industrial elevators and it’s hard to figure out how to work on your own:
- The bathrooms at Pinballmap.com (a subsidiary of pinballmaplyistr) are fully stocked with gummy worms. Chew on some worms while you do your business.
- Free laundry service. So you can change your clothes twice a day… or never go home… it’s up to you!
- Giant water cooler. If you feel like shooting the shit near the water cooler, well, there’s a 3,000 gallon tank of quadruple-filtered Argentinian Mtn water in the center of the room!
- You gotta use a grappling hook to get to the 2nd floor.
- Bean bags falling from the ceiling. Everyone loves bean bags! They’re so squishy and kicked back. But they also make you lazy. So we got them dropping from the ceiling in the central mezzanine! Try your best to dodge them. But don’t let everyone’s giant smiles distract you from your goal (not getting hit)!
- A fire pole coming out of a slide that’s attached to a zipline that’s inside a vending machine that dispenses only M&Ms and hemorrhoid cream.
- Our CEO/CFO/CTO/CBS/BFF, Chet Systembro, is super accessible: he has a desk right in the middle of the office! (However, it’s floating in the giant water cooler, and you can only access it by hang gliding from Chet’s patio. And only Chet can access his patio.).
Let us know if you want in, and after a preliminary phone interview followed by a skype tech interview, we’ll fly you out to your favorite airport, where you can then FaceTime with us for the third and final (followed by two more after-final) interviews.
Leave your cover letter in the comments below for the whole world to scrutinize. If you don’t have a disqus account, we can’t hire you. Sorry old man.